Greetings gentle readers!

Hope you’re all having a good weekend. If you’re reading this *during* the weekend, it can’t be all that great….but I will attempt to entertain you, and perhaps make you smile, and you will add more views to my blog, which will feed my needs-to-get-out-more ego, and it will be a win/win.

Huzzah!

So yeah. Teething ain’t much fun, and I gotta say it’s not that hot as a spectator sport, either. Puddin Face is a trouper, considering the whole 8-teeth thing, but the inside of her mouth is a train wreck and I don’t wonder why she’s gnawing on everything in sight. (Nevermind that we had to jury-rig a ‘wrap’ for one corner of her crib, which is gnawed all along the inside rail, because said corner managed to somehow start breaking up into splinters. Nice. Considering she doesn’t spend all that much awake time in her crib, I’m starting to wonder how many we may go through. I’m just sayin’)

Another fun side effect of getting, say, rows of teeth a la shark as opposed to one or two at a time, like a human, is that her moods change faster than mine did when I was preggers. I know, right? I didn’t think it was possible, either.

And the worst part…and the part that makes me fear I may get my mommy license revoked…is that whenever my little munchkin gets pissed off, it’s over something so ridiculously trivial that I have to stifle a laugh. Once I even had to turn my head….she was just so out-of-proportion raging at the situation. Honestly. There is something about her very tiny fury that just tickles my funny bone, and then I feel horribly guilty. But I mean…come on. How am I supposed to hold it together when:

* she hands me one of her toys, then gets mad because I’m doing it wrong? (for instance, I made the grave error of trying to reconnect her connecting rings. What I was even thinking, I don’t know.)

* she leans into her little fabric barn (a la Ikea, and I did *not* order it from the catalogue, thank you very much) and pulls out the mommy horse and the baby foal, and the mommy cow and the baby calf, and the mommy sheep…..but can’t reach the baby lamb without actually having to MOVE her person….and has a meltdown. Limbs flailing, fists clenched……I mean thankfully these meltdowns don’t last very long, but wowie zowie…..

* or my personal favorite…she throws her binkie somewhere she can no longer reach it, and gets mad when I retrieve it and hand it back to her. Not when it goes out of reach, mind you, but when I hand it back, whereupon she will immediately chuck it somewhere else even more forcefully. I can almost hear her thinking ‘I SAID I wanted it THERE! Now LEAVE IT!’

(of course less than 5 minutes later she is pissed off that I’m not responding to ‘Uhhhhhhhhh!’ and her fingerpoint fast enough, when it’s time to retrieve it. Secure in the knowledge that she’s not spoiled, I happily fetch it for her.)

(Oh hush. I only make exceptions when the stakes are high and it’s a pick-your-battles type of day. Eight teeth. Nuff said.)

As I said, thankfully these moments don’t last very long. She has a mini fit and then she’s fine (at least until the next one, or she has a nap, whichever comes last).

And then there are those other times….when nothing works. When you just try everything and she’s already had the Tylenol or the teething drops and a popsicle (Pedialyte….yummay!) and she’s still crying these big crocodile tears and chewing on her fingers and not interested in the nice cold teethers or frozen chewies and I do what any responsible, well-rounded parent will do: I turn on the tv.

I know, I know. I’m a horrible parent and rotting her tender brain. I do limit the amount of viewing she can do, and it’s not a daily thing. More of an emergency thing. (it’s already scary how excited she gets when it comes on….she can literally be in mid-meltdown and her head will turn, and the crying will turn into an ecstatic sound like someone, well….flipped a switch). Don’t judge me until you’ve been there. When even all my dorktasticness fails, and the songs don’t work, and all the books have been read twice (or thrown), and all the toys are infuriating, I pull out my trump card. Anything is better than seeing that little face all scrunched up and in pain. Distraction is her friend.

I console myself with the fact that I’m with her all the time, and I watch it with her…..I don’t use it as a babysitter. (Good thing my mother hasn’t given me endless guilt trips about EVER letting Em view the talking box, or it *may* start to sound like I’m trying to justify myself, or something, which, obviously, I’m not.) Sometimes it only takes 5 minutes to get over the hump, then she calms down. Still. I’m rotting her tender brain just a little bit. Sad thing is, I’m rotting mine too. Have you SEEN programs designed for pre-schoolers? Have you? Great! We’re all so excited to have you here today! Do you know what day it is? You do? Neat! I bet you’re having a super duper day!

(btw I could never be that cheerful all the time. I’d have to become a road rager or something to compensate. There is just. No. Way.)

This got me thinking: I wonder what it would be like if some of the grown-up (ish) shows had more childlike themes? Ya know, like:

The Hills~ show about several couples named Jack and Jill, and all their ups and downs.

America’s Next Top Model~ Claymation characters, from Mr. Bill to Wallace and Gromit, compete for the coveted prize of a contract with Poseur Magazine. Miss Piggy stars as special guest judge.

Good Eats~ Cookie Monster talks about fun snacks in this monosyllabic show.

The Amazing Race~ Puppets of all shapes and sizes attempt to get ahead….without the aid of puppeteers.

Chuck~ Charlie Brown comes into his own as the unsuspecting keeper of government secrets. Lucy leads him to believe the only way to access said secrets is to kick him in the head to ‘knock them loose’.

Scrubs~ The entire Peanuts gang attempts to give Pigpen a leg up into polite society.

This is how my mind works, people. Fun, innit? So then, of course, I had to take it one step further and wonder what it would be like to combine the adult and the preschool themes (come on, is it *really* that much of a stretch?) for shows like:

CSI: Blues Clues~ detectives argue over admissiblity of evidence tainted by giant blue pawprints. Blue is smug and passive aggressive throughout, insisting on keeping everyone guessing.

Law & Order: SSU (Sesame Street Unit)~ tensions mount and violin strings are plucked in this gritty drama, as hard questions are asked of the resident trashcan dweller, Oscar, and beloved “imaginary” friend, Snuffalupagus. (the tears are real)

Queer Eye for Spongebob~ your favorite pot-induced hallucination gets a new wardrobe and a new lease on life.

Top Swedish Chef~ Bork! Bork! Bork!

Guess it’s a good thing I’m not in television.

I hope you enjoyed this trip into the mind of the mayor. If not, please send your proof of purchase for a full refund. Please allow 6-60 weeks for delivery. Void where prohibited. Do not take on an empty stomach. May cause drowsiness or dizziness. Finish whole blog unless directed by your conscience.

And, as always, thank you for reading. Bork!
Please feel free to add your own childrens’ shows you’d like to see

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 20th, 2007 at 12:35 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.