you are my shooting star
So I should probably just tell you right off that this blog isn’t my usual haha fare. It won’t make you laugh.
It is about a friendship that shaped my life more than any other. It is one I was trying to type last week when I hit the wrong key and it all disappeared. But it is important to me, and this time of year it is particularly relevant.
It won’t make you laugh.
But if I do my job right, it will make you feel hopeful.
If I do my job right, it may even restore some of your faith in humanity.
If I do my job right, after reading this you will want to hug your loved ones and feel extra grateful for them.
It is the story of a friendship…and the most profound example of real, selfless love in its purest form that I have ever known.
If you know me in real life fairly well, you know this story.
If you knew me in my past incarnation on a message board we shared, you may remember this story.
It is the story that perhaps gives the most insight I can offer into my true self…and what makes me tick…and what drives me. It is about the person who more than anyone else shaped me and gave me the heart I carry.
It starts many many years ago….I was just 6 years old and starting first grade. I didn’t have the greatest home life, and was looking forward to spending whole days away from it. Let’s just say by that point I was well-established as the scapegoat in a household of violence and recrimination, and leave it at that.
Whatever it was, it left me ill-prepared with the self-esteem I needed to survive the next chapter of my life.
I was still a social creature at heart, and eager to make new friends. I figured they would just be mine for the asking. A whole classroom full of kids my age! I could hardly wait.
Except that I had this little thing that set me apart. The bones in my feet were growing horribly crooked, and as a result I had to wear ‘corrective shoes’ which were hideously ugly and barely resembled normal shoes. I was used to them. I was used to walking pigeon-toed, too. That’s what the shoes were for….so one day I wouldn’t have to.
Well, kids being what they are, my would-be friends turned on me the first day and took endless pleasure in calling me ‘Duck’ and imitating my walk. I didn’t understand. How could they be so mean about something I had no control over?
So this once eager, outgoing child became the quiet, sullen one in the corner….desperately trying not to call any attention to herself.
Until one day this little ray of sunshine walked up to me and said “Hi. I’m Danny. Can I sit here?”
I was already so jaded at that point that I thought it was a trick. I glanced around to see if all my classmates were watching and waiting to laugh. They weren’t.
So I told him sure, and he took the ever-empty seat beside me.
And that was all it took. My first best friend.
We got some crap for our friendship, sure….boys and girls weren’t ‘supposed’ to be friends then, but did I care? I had the best friend ever and he was my whole world.
I will never understand what miracle of fate makes children like this….he was not like any other boy I met. He was kind and thoughtful and selfless and had this little Buddha nature….nothing phased him. He was just so…..calm.
And calming. And he stuck up for me on a daily basis without saying a bad word about anybody. I still don’t know how he did it.
But one thing he did stands out more than any other….and is the whole point of this blog. This is the part I hope everyone reading this takes to heart, and I hope beautiful things grow from it there. This is…..love.
Danny and I hung out together every day….in school, after school….and he knew very well that I loved to swing. We had a swingset at school, but I was never allowed on it. It was dominated by the popular girls and the closest I ever got was when one of them would taunt me and ask if I wanted to swing..holding it out for me….only to leap on it at the last second and laugh, saying that ‘ducks can’t swing’.
I never once complained about it….it was just another fact of life for me.
But one day the bell rang for recess to be over. Without a word, Danny grabbed my hand and RAN me over to that swingset, put me on the swing, and pushed me as hard and as high as he could for a minute or two….until we were breathless with laughter. Then we ran like hell to beat the second bell.
I can’t think of a better example of love than that. It still gives me chills to think about. He did this for me on a regular basis after that….and a few times he would let me return the favor, but mainly it was all about me.
I’m certain Danny is the first person who made my heart smile.
I’m not certain how to end this blog…..I very much don’t want to end it on a downer note, since that is not the legacy I was left with.
Danny and I were inseperable for many years. His folks knew my folks and his older brother was in school with mine. We hung out and did all the things kids do….played in the creek, rode bikes, caught snakes (ok maybe I was a *bit* of a tomboy), he even played horsies with me. Is that a real friend or what?
Most of all Danny made me feel like the most special person on the planet…because for whatever reason, he chose me. I honestly don’t like to think about where I might have ended up, if not for him.
We even had our first kiss together (which we both agreed was quite icky at the time)….but vowed we would get married when we turned 18 so we could always be together.
Turned out Fate had other plans.
One summer before 5th grade, Danny and his family were going to take a long weekend and go up north. It seemed like forever to me….four whole days without Danny. I vividly recall him walking down the driveway. He didn’t have his bike that day. He waved.
And somehow I knew that *he* knew him going away was tough on me. Somehow that made me ok. I wanted to be strong for him.
I never saw him again.
He and his brother were both killed in a freak accident the next day. And by ‘freak accident’ I mean something that would never happen twice.
Seems by some wild coincidence, his family met up with his aunt and uncle at a rest area. They had just bought a boat, and Danny and Kenny were standing in between the boat and the car it was hitched to, checking it out.
Fate came in the form of a jackass driving his motor home a wee bit intoxicated. He was sipping a beer, and apparently got a little sleepy all of the sudden.
He nodded off, and the motor home came careening over the grass partition that separated the rest area from the highway. He smashed into the parked boat, which smashed into the car it was hitched to.
Danny and Kenny were still standing in between.
The jackass, along with his wife and infant daughter, all got away with minor cuts and bruises. I often wonder how he lives with himself.
I still remember the headlines….though my mom tried to shield me from them….’Freak Crash Kills Brothers’ and then pictures of my two friends…one of which owned a pretty big chunk of my heart.
Obviously it was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. They even had to have closed caskets.
It took me a really long time, but I learned how to be strong for him again. I know he would have accepted nothing less.
And I really hope that those of you reading this aren’t left feeling sad….because he is and always will be a part of me. The very best part. And even knowing how it would all end, I wouldn’t trade knowing him for anything in the world.
My hope is that if nothing else, this story can fill you with hope. I don’t know how or why Danny came to be in my life, but I do know that life has a way of throwing you lifelines when you need them the most.
I have proof.
And to this day…dorky as it may sound….every time I see a shooting star, I think it’s Danny…winking, perhaps….or blowing me a kiss.
I still have a wooden pencil holder in the shape of a turtle he gave me. It’s where I can see it every day. But I don’t really need any special reminders. I’ve made a career out of doing Danny proud.
I strive to enjoy everything twice as much for the one who isn’t here to. I strive to carry on his legacy of unselfish love, and I strive to make sure that no one I care about ever feels alone.
I want to be around whenever anyone feels they need a push on the swing.