Spider, man
I don’t like spiders.
And, until recently, I can honestly say I am reasonably certain I have never had an out-of-body experience.
But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself, here. Let’s back up a bit.
My inherent fear and loathing of spiders goes way back….one of my earliest memories is being in the front yard, blowing bubbles, feeling a little tickle under my arm…..and finding a big hairy spider crawling in my armpit. Not a pleasant affair. (and yes, I cringe writing this…..egads)
It doesn’t help that normal, everyday house spiders seem to find me extra tasty, and often sample me, in my sleep. (doctors have confirmed that they were spider bites. Some I’ve reacted badly to).
Speaking of which….it didn’t help when I had the ultimate spider bite whilst working in a vet clinic (yes, I normally love all things living…)…I had a black widow spider crawl up my pant leg when my jeans were down in the bathroom. It bit me. I started to not feel so good. I was having trouble swallowing. Turned out I was having a ‘milder’ form of anaphylactic shock (until then I never knew there were ‘degrees’ of shock…I thought you pretty much cashed in your chips if you got it)…my throat was slowly closing up and yeah, enough about that. It was icky. I don’t like spiders.
I have too many stories…like the faceoff I had with a full-grown (and biggest I have to this day ever seen) wolf spider in my house as a teenager. My rules about spiders are simple, but one is this: If it’s big enough to make EYE CONTACT, get it the HELL away from me! Mr Orkin later confirmed that it was the Mama Spider, and found a nest of babies in our dryer vent. Now if that doesn’t give anyone just a *teeny* shudder to think about, you are far, far braver than I. Good grief.
It didn’t help that years ago, when I went to see ‘Arachnophobia’ for the first time (what could be scarier? I WAS the target audience), there were terrible thunderstorms, and the power went out halfway through it. I had to get passes and come back later to see the big bad evil spider get his just desserts, John Goodman style!
And spiders….they seem to just sort of…KNOW how I feel about them. They tend to spring themselves on me at the most unlikely times. Not too long ago I had one divebomb me, kamikaze style, from atop the blade of my ceiling fan…within inches of my nose. I always wonder what was going through his little spidery brain right before that happened. Was it…”HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’ve got her now!” or was it more like “AHHHHHH shit…eight legs and I STILL took a wrong step!” Or, perhaps, it was nothing at all, since it was a spider, and I’m anthropomorphizing n stuff. But I digress.
So yeah. We get, I trust, that I’m not a big fan of the arachnids. I’m all about ‘live and let live’…..so my general rule is, if you must have a spidery domain, please let it be outside of mine. When I encounter an eight-legged mini-demon, I would very much like it to be moved to another place in semi-rapid fashion. I’m not sure why I’m like this….nothing else really bothers me….all kinds of insects and flying things and those giant mosquito-hawk things, cockroaches, snakes, mice, rats….don’t phase me. I’ve held pythons and boas and even had a pet rat. But spiders? Eeek. Double eeek.
Which leaves me clueless to explain what came over me recently.
You see, I discovered one fine morn, an arachnid of longer-legged dimensions in my bathroom. It wasn’t hovering over me as I showered, so I figured I would wait til I was done to call for my Spider Relocator. (one of his many roles) Keeping a careful eye on my party crasher, I completed my ablutions and dried off. Then I went and did it. Upon closer examination, I discovered that he (for the sake of the story it will be a he, ‘kay?) had only seven legs. Now I don’t have any idea WHY this struck me in any way whatsoever, but I did the strangest thing:
I LET HIM BE. Didn’t call in the reinforcements…in fact I told said reinforcements that if this spider was noted it was not to be touched. I took it even further still and said the same thing to my mother, who visited me from out of state for a week, and she looked at me with a completely baffled expression.
So, blame it on pregnancy hormones, blame it on the weather, sunspots, whatever….but this one particular spider and I have managed to coexist for well over a week and a half. (trust me, if you knew me well, you would understand how amazing this truly is). Nevermind that after about the 4th day I started to wonder what, in fact, it was finding to EAT in my bathroom….then decided that was a thought best left unexamined. I’d *like* to think my bathroom is clean……
But it gets better. Here comes the out-of-body experience. It’s the only thing I can come up with to explain what came next.
One day I was having my lovely daily shower, when I noticed that my ‘you’re-fine-over-there-please-stay-where-I-can-see-you’ buddy was nowhere to be seen. Now I do have a skylight in my bathroom, and for all I know he was out playing in the sunshine…so I didn’t give it *too* much thought. I did a quick scan of the ceiling but no…I seemed to be alone. Shampooed and was juuuust reaching for the ol’ loofah when I saw these long legs reaching out from under the shower caddy thingee. Now he was lucky here, because he really startled me. But after a moment I ‘recognized’ him and he was struggling to climb up the side of the shower wall.
Well, the shower wall was wet…and he wasn’t having a very easy time of it. I was blocking the spray of water, but he was getting caught in the droplets already there. He started to fall. He kept trying and falling. Trying and falling. I stood there and watched and when he almost fell all the way down (and here must be the moment I left my body)….without thinking…..I REACHED DOWN AND PUT HIM IN MY HAND. I then reached up and put him back up in his home.
After that I stood there for quite awhile wondering what the hell just happened. Did I really just SAVE A SPIDER FROM DROWNING?! Did I really just TOUCH IT ON PURPOSE?!
And, while I was pondering and shaking my head in wonder, I looked up at ol Spidey and watched as he very delicately brought a back leg forward and wiped his head. Brushing off water, perhaps? Who knows. I was fascinated.
Now, I’m not saying that I’m on my way to a love-fest with the arachnids of the planet, but I may be on my way to some sort of understanding.
MAN am I getting soft in my old age! Who knew??