it’s the network
Greetings gentle readers!
First of all, I’d like to preface this by saying SHHHHHHHHHH. You just never know who might be listening. So for cripes sakes don’t read this aloud, if you know what’s good for you.
This blog has been brewing for quite some time (and by ‘quite some time’ I mean ‘all my life’) but recent events, as well as a blog by one of my favorite all-around people, the lovely Maven, reminded me that the time was now. The time IS now. Look, it’s time, ok?
There’s a good reason I don’t use my real last name on here or on Facebook. It’s also part of the reason my profile is private. The reason is twofold: 1) my immediate family cannot find such things through la Google, and 2) my immediate family would blow more than one collective gasket that I am even *on* the internet, much less posting private details about my very own life.
Yes, they are *that* paranoid. (which in turn makes *me* paranoid that they will discover how un-paranoid I am, so in a way, they win, really….) Now I exercise caution as much as possible, I feel, such as restricting access to photos of Puddin Face to friends only, etc….and I like to think I screen those on my list well, but in the end, who really knows? I guess I just choose to hope for the best in people, and I have a hard time trying to change something that’s so fundamentally part of my makeup.
But I’m a rogue, you see. The paranoia in my family is legendary, and they got my brother, but they didn’t get me.
They’re coming for me, though. I can just feel it.
Mom in particular. She’s the Queen of Useless Paranoia. I have proof.
We’re going home for Christmas, you see. It will be the first time in over a decade I’ve made it back there for the holidays, since my previous job didn’t permit vacation during such time. And thinking about a nice down-home family Christmas…..reminded me of all I have to contend with. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic to be going, and my bro and his family are going too, so Puddin Face will get to be with her cousin, and we’ll all be together, and it will be awesome….but there are a few little oddities that perhaps other (and by ‘other’ I mean ‘every other’) family may not have to deal with.
For starters, we don’t have presents under the tree. Ever. That’s what I said. EVER.
Why, you may ask? It’s the network. (sorry, cell-phone magnate, not you….although you may very well be in on it, for all she knows…)
My mother firmly believes that there is a Network of Robbers, Housebreakers, and Ill-willed individuals who have nothing better to do than focus on the minutiae of her existence, just laying in ever-patient wait for her to slip up….just once.
Yes, gentle readers, it’s true….mommy Midwest has delusions of grandeur that rival any certifiable individual. She truly believes that one lapse in her guard will breach the delicate balance that is all that keeps her from sliding into complete chaos with lawbreakers of all ilk.
So we have no Christmas presents under our tree. Because, ya know, the Network watches their house 24/7, and, much like Santa, knows about all comings and goings and to-ing and fro-ings, and also, much like the Grinch, lies in wait for my parents to leave, so they can break in and steal all the sweaters and slipper socks for the family. WE ALL KNOW that thieves would never open closets or drawers, anyway, and just go for, ya know, the easy, accessible items like presents under the tree. Good call, Mom!
Instead, every Christmas morning, with little fanfare since we’ve already been robbed of the whole ‘checking tags/shaking the box extravaganza’, the presents are trotted out and we count ourselves lucky that the Network didn’t get this years’ crop of sweaters and slipper socks.
Oh, how I wish I were making this up.
But it gets worse.
Recently my folks flew out here to help celebrate Puddin Face’s first birthday. They left the house in the trusted hands of their next-door neighbor. (They live in the Midwest, so house keys are still exchanged, yards connect, and somehow all of that part is okay.) I should add that they also live on a corner house that is right off of a semi-main road.
I talked to my mom a few days before they flew out here, and I could tell something was up, so I asked what was wrong. “Oh, it’s just this letter we got from the homeowners’ association. They’re going to be redoing the pillars at the entrance of the subdivision while we’re gone.” Seeing as these pillars are located in the corner of their yard, and the replacing would probably be rather noisy, I wondered why on earth that wouldn’t be a good thing. Silly me.
Apparently, my mother informed me, all the workmen are potentially part of the Network, also. They would be in and out all day and notice that no one was coming and going in their driveway. (and, presumably, send out the alert to said Network that any and all robbers in the area should take heed, and decide not if but WHEN to break in, and steal all the valuable….um….back issues of National Geographic, and very probably the Joy of Cooking, and everything else up to and including various items of clothing).
I then point out that the workmen aren’t out to steal from them, nevermind that they live ON THE CORNER. She then points out that our neighbor behind them (also on a corner on the street behind) got robbed oh, fifteen or so years ago. IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. And you know what? That did happen. And when it did, I was so pissed off, I wish I could have hunted down those stupid burglars and shaken them by the shirts and said “DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE DONE!?” because not only did they then feed the paranoia mo(m)nster, they VINDICATED it. And we will never, ever, live it down. Ever. Even, undoubtedly, when they move.
I mean EVER.
Where was I? Oh yes. The Network.
While they were visiting here, my mother also (naturally) had to call her next-door neighbor every other day to ‘check in’…presumably so she could feel out her tone of voice, and reassure herself that the Network hadn’t been around and she just wasn’t being told about it so-as not to ruin her trip, but she would be able to sense any and all changes in tones in said neighbor’s voice, thereby ascertaining with all due certainty that nothing was being kept from her.
And to, ya know, make ultra super-duper sure that the lights on the timers were working, because if it’s one thing that will fool the Network, she believes, it’s lights coming off and on at the same time every evening.. (nevermind that they’re allegedly watching the house 24/7, 365).
Now, I can (and do) deal with this level of paranoia, mainly because I have no choice. Most of the time it’s amusing at best and annoying at worst. But one year, about a decade ago, it was a little over the top….even for the Momster.
I called my folks one day and they weren’t home. No biggie, I left a message. Oddly, though, they never called back that day. It hadn’t happened in the past…they are 3 hours ahead of me here so I’d always get a call back, even if just to ask what I called for and if everything was okay (I didn’t call often like I do since Puddin Face came along). 😛 The next day, I called again and left another message. Still nothing. By the third day with no answer, I got concerned and called my brother to see if he knew what was up.
“Oh yeah” he said. “They’re on a cruise.”
Um…what? First of all, my parents never go anywhere. Ever. They will cite years of private school tuition as the reason they can’t afford two vacations a year like everyone else, and we will cite that we hated private school and begged them every year to let us go to a regular school. Nobody wins, but it’s something that has to be rehashed every year, almost like a tradition. Whatever.
Suffice it to say, I was more than a little stunned at this news. A CRUISE? *MY* parents? Wtf? Further probing revealed that they had *won* a 3-day cruise after my dad signed up for some real-estate seminar, and a lightbulb went off. Ahhhh. *Now* we’re sounding a little more familiar. I could picture it all-too-easily, down to my mother’s extremely vocal protests about ‘a waste of money’ and ‘pyramid schemes’, and my dad pointing out that wasn’t she having a nice time on the cruise in spite of herself?
Still….I asked why the frickin frack they hadn’t bothered to let me know they were even going out of town (considering the fact that whenever I travel, they need to know flight numbers so they can track my plane online, and have even been known to monitor the weather patterns in my faraway town, and call me up and say ‘So, it seems there’s been some rain there lately in Seattle!’…it just seemed very odd). Plus I wondered why my also out-of-state brother was informed, and not me.
Then all became clear. The Network struck again. Apparently, my brother explained, my mother was now paranoid that the phone lines had become involved in this high-tech age, and refused to discuss her travel plans on such a potentially-compromised device that was undoubtedly directly connected to the Network. He further explained that the only reason *he* had been informed was that he had been visiting home when arrangements were being made, and thus told in person, no doubt in a low-lit room with hushed voices.
So yeah. My mom’s nuts. And now the world knows it.
Oh, and to the Network…in case you’re reading….you already know where we all live. As a special favor, this Christmas, could you find it in your cold, thieving hearts to leave their house alone, just once, so that the grandchildren can enjoy presents under the tree?
K thx bai.