Greetings gentle readers!

I’m tickled all sorts of colors to not only have some loyal readers follow me to my new home, but to have picked up a few new ones. Thanks! And thanks especially to my girl Cassi for her lovely shout-out. She and my girl Becka (link to come) are actually a big part of my return to bloggage after a much-too-long hiatus. Mostly I think of myself as a person who writes. People like them call me a writer. And that rocks. 😀

Those of you who know me, know I’m a dork. If you’re new: I’m a dork. No, really. The proof is endless. For instance, last night I was reading a story about numerous cows in both Switzerland and California last week who for unknown reasons plunged to their deaths off steep cliffs on mountainsides. @Cracked posted it on Twitter. My reply was “Wow…someone took the ‘ground beef’ thing a bit too literally, eh?” See? Dork.

I’m also my own worst enemy in oh, so many ways. It boggles my mind that I’ve been riding my horse bareback for over 20 years, yet I have so much trouble on the ground. Maybe I need those two extra legs. I’m always mortified when shorts weather rolls around…because my legs resemble those of a small child left in a bouncy castle full of rocking chairs. It’s not just the stippling of bruises…it’s the bumps and the scars…which I’m sure I will blog about someday. I’m not remotely kidding. As I type this, I can look down and count 3 bruises and a bump on my right leg (why we purchased a bed with a wood frame ALL THE WAY AROUND IT, I will never know), and one bruise on the left.

In the unlikely event this isn’t enough to convince you, or if you’re having one of those days and would just like to think to yourself, “Dang, I’ve never done anything THAT dumb!” please do peruse the “For My Next Trick” category from my archives. I promise you will feel better about yourself. It’s hard for me to pick a ‘favorite’, since they all resulted in some combination of pain and embarrassment, but for sheer mental picture awesomeness, I would have to go with You Sneeze, You Lose .

I also love to read blogs when I have time to carve out for myself. Please don’t be shy suggesting some of your own “greatest hits.” You know you’ve got ’em. The ones that made you chuckle to yourself. Frankly I’m weary of people saying not to toot your own horn. Let this be your forum to let it all hang out. Toot away! We’re always our own worst critics…when are we our own best cheerleaders? Precisely. So lay it on me. Be bold, I say! If you enjoyed writing it, I’ll enjoy reading it. Huzzah!

Moving on…sometimes (and this may shock you)..I have trouble..um..what do you call it again….? Oh yeah…organizing my thoughts. As such, I post a bunch of random crap that floats around in my brain like one red sock in a load of whites. If I see it spin more than once, it may even stick and turn my thoughts pink. (what the HELL am I talking about? Do YOU know?)

Before I’m arrested by the thought police, here ya go:

1) Fancy schmancy cat food commercials are screamingly funny to me. “Salmon fillet in rich gravy with garden greens”..you know what I’m talking about. Cats eating out of a damn crystal goblet. Who are we kidding here? And how much money does Fancy Feast, Meow Mix and all the rest of them make off our incessant need to anthropomorphize our pets? You want to see a happy cat? I saw one yesterday. He had a still-twitching chipmunk in his mouth. Cats are happiest being part of the circle of life, not the circle of a can opener. (No, I am not suggesting you keep a stock of chipmunks on hand….though your cat would think you were the coolest person IN THE WORLD. I’m suggesting somewhere between *that* and feeding Mr. McKittentosh out of a crystal goblet lies a happy medium that is still, in fact, cat-worthy.)

2) Trying to get our place organized, besides being a lesson in futility, has resulted in finding a bunch of useless (and when I say ‘useless,’ I am in fact being generous) crap that I have been GUILTED (you heard me) into keeping over the years. You know the kind of stuff I’m talking about. The hand-made WTF gifts.

The head-shaking stuff from great great uncle Biff’s neighbor that someone sent JUST FOR YOUR BABY. The hand-knitted REFRIGERATOR MAGNETS (you read that right) in indecipherable shapes that are not only useless because the magnets won’t hold up dirt, but REEK of the cigarette smoke of their crafter, even after all this time in the padded envelope in that drawer you never open. Good grief. Guess what, gentle readers? I may very well have royally jacked my karma, but I couldn’t take it anymore. The raccoons are sorting through it now. And you know what? Even THEY are laughing. Pay it forward, guys! Enjoy.

3) This one is on my mind because I recently became an aunt for the second time..yay! It reminded me of one of my biggest pet peeves….when people look at a tiny, newborn bundle of joy and when told his name, say “Spencer? Oh, he LOOKS like a Spencer!” Or even better…”Tyler? Oh, really? To me he looks more like a Robert!” SWEET MILK OF MAGNESIA, PEOPLE! First of all, nobody *looks* like a certain name. I want to find the very first person that made that remark and give him or her an atomic wedgie. The fact that it was said AT ALL is bad enough. The fact that it CAUGHT ON AND SPREAD is far worse. Second of all, NO ONE CARES about your opinion on the baby’s name. True story. I don’t care if they name their son YOU BETCHA, your job is to smile and say what a perfect name it is. They are the parents. Deal with it. You can ‘That-poor-kid’ him all you want when you get home.

Secondly, and I cannot stress this enough, IT’S A BABY. He doesn’t look like a Robert or a Spencer or a Tyler or anyone at all right now. You know what he looks like? A pink, pissed-off Sharpei. Like every other baby in the history of the universe. You’re welcome.

Thank you for riding the manic coaster that is my brain. Please keep your hands and arms inside until the car comes to a complete stop. 😀

If you’d like a more daily ride *cough* and you’re be-twitted, @MDuette by all means 🙂

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 30th, 2009 at 11:04 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.