Ever have one of those weeks that slams you so many different times, you feel like you’re having an out-of-body experience?

Yeah, me neither.

I’m so Zen I went back in time, just so I could invent yoga.

I’m so Zen that when I space out for large chunks of time, staring at the blinking cursor, it’s never because I’m plotting a spectacular, Falling-Down moment when I finally decide that pacifism can pucker up and kiss my patootie.

I’m so Zen that when my black sheepery makes me a pariah in my family TWICE in one week, despite being ill, and when two family members hang up on me in as many days, (neither of whom has called back or apologized, mind you) that I let it roll like water off my back, flowing into the big Zen river of all things, and I never, like, stew in a fury of righteous indignation or anything. And I certainly don’t have dreams about yelling all the things I would never have the nerve to say in real life.

Be-leaf me: I’m breezy (photo by Dan Ibabao)

I’m so Zen then that when you call me up and invite me into your drama, and make it mine by telling me about how someone I love in in serious trouble, and then get mad at me for trying to help, and call me up just to tell me how mad you are at me and hang up on me, for breaking the deadly code of Family Secrets (which in this case may have actually turned out to be deadly), that I don’t get upset. I am filled with a radiating light not unlike a nuclear morning, and the mushroom cloud of my explosive LOVE for you all spreads outward like a big ripple in the giant toilet bowl we all swim in.

I’m so Zen that when I dare to get excited about a little interview I did that got featured on CNN.com about my reluctance to get my girls the H1N1 vaccine until we had more information on how safe it is, and you tell me that I am stupid, ignorant, and an irresponsible mom, and hang up on me…why, I don’t get flustered at all. I give that giant toilet bowl we all swim in a courtesy flush to rid myself of the stink of your negativity, and I am filled with a post-dump sense of calm as I contemplate how difficult it must be for you to even sit with that sizable stick lodged in your posterior.

Who’s loyal AND can sit? Your dog, that’s who! (photo by Documentally)

I’m so Zen that I don’t wish anything requiring a courtesy flush on the folks at the ol’ Unemployment Bureau. It bothers me not that there are many weeks in between the running-out-of-the-old benefits and the commencement-of-the-emergency-extension passed by government. Who needs to worry about earthly concerns like rent and car payments and all those other pesky bills when you’re Zen? Zen means you get to speak like Yoda and think like a simpleton. All is all. One is one. Bills are tied up in the material world, and I am vapor (which is a much nicer term than, say, gas.)

I’m so Zen that when I’m reminded of how much some people can suck, and how badly they can hurt you, not through something outright but worse…through indifference…that I remember that we’re all connected…so when I karate kick the air in front of me, no matter where you are in this world, sooner or later that kick will end up connecting with your posterior.

The Tree of Knowledge sez: You, too, will get yours. (photo by Documentally)

I’m so Zen that when I get curious what a message I could have gotten from an 800 number on a Sunday night entails, and it turns out to be fraud protection alerting me to the fact that my credit card has been compromised, I am suffused with a level of calm that can only put me right back in that river of all things, white-water rafting towards the craggy junction of goodhope. And when I learn that not one but ELEVEN fraudulent charges were made, I am reminded that numbers mean nothing in the grand flush of destiny, and find myself thankful that I have so much more going for me than, say, furtive online purchases with a stolen credit card number like, well….a thief in the night.

I’m so Zen that now I’m going to get all sappy and grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life…especially my two beautiful girls who are going to grow up and take the world by storm….a storm that will give a courtesy flush to all those floaters.

Chillaxin? Yes, please! (photo by Chris Rowland)

I’m so Zen that I can feel uber lucky to have such a cool support group of online peeps, who not only never call me out for using extremely dated terms like ‘uber,’ but send me messages of smiles and encouragement whose importance cannot be measured….especially, say, when I discover that juuust the right combination of tiredness and feverishness is not unlike having one too many cocktails and causes me to ramble even more than normal. 😉

I’m so Zen that if I won the lottery, (after buying a huge chunk of land to fill with rescue animals to be used for psychic healing of all types), I’d rent a huge stadium and fly all my tweeps out from across the globe for the biggest Tweetup ever and it would be EPIC and unforgettable and we’d totally be in the paper-n-shit. If you know me at ALL, you know I’d do it, too. 😀

I’m so Zen I don’t need to play the lottery. I’m rich in so many other ways.

(Suck it, haters!)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 at 12:38 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.