Turning Point
Leave it to me to find new and interesting ways to mix it up a little bit.
I had the next blog brewing away in the old noggin, but then life…..once again….intervened.
I would be remiss, dear readers, if I did not share the better part of my afternoon with you.
I welcome you to the newest chapter in the Neverending Carpet Ride That Is My Life.
So….I had another regular checkup appointment today with my baby doctor. I was happy…. my partner in crime was actually able to join me today since he only worked a half day. We got there a bit early as usual, and when I was checking in was informed that my doctor had just gotten back from delivering a baby so was running a “little bit behind.”
Ok…no problem. Not the first time it’s happened….babies are certainly known for having their own agenda. And when my time comes, you better believe I’d want my trusty doctor to drop everything and come running.
So that was all fine.
We were later informed that the delay would be between “30-40 minutes.” Sounds reasonable. No problem. And folks, I know that if you’ve journeyed with me for any length of time, you are probably getting keyed up wondering What On Earth Rained On The Mayor’s Parade This Time.
Please relax. Nothing major happened in the waiting room. In fact, there were only two incidents of note……one made me laugh and one made my teeth itch.
The first one was one of those obnoxious CELL PHONE PEOPLE…but the humorous part was that she was sitting DIRECTLY UNDERNEATH the sign that said “PLEASE TURN OFF CELL PHONES”. And there she was. Jabbering away. Not quietly or discreetly, either. Oh, no.
She even proceeded to pull out her credit card for some reason and loudly announce to the entire area her number and expiration date. Incredulous looks were exchanged among those of us being aurally assaulted by this woman.
Finally she ended her call. And did she then turn off her cell phone and stow it away? Of course not. She had to have it handy so it could ring loudly 10 minutes later. And do you, dear readers, suppose she took the call?
Ok, enough about her. I’ve spent far too much time on her already. She eventually hung up and was quiet for a moment.
But then….there was a sudden tear in the fabric of the universe and my ears were again under attack from one sound that sends me RIGHT AROUND THE BEND. I’m talking about a sound that even when *I* have to make it, makes me cringe. I’m also talking about a sound YOU SHOULD NEVER HEAR IN PUBLIC.
Not EVER.
What is that sound, gentle readers?
THE SOUND OF NAILS BEING CLIPPED.
And who was the culprit this time? A man easily old enough to be my father, who had his trusty clippers out and not only was his wife perfectly placid beside him, HE WAS BRUSHING HIS CLIPPINGS OFF HIS LAP ONTO THE FLOOR.
Now, I had been laughing moments before, but that series of events caused me to turn around and give him the Serious Stinkeye. To no avail. He was so absorbed in his disgusting little finger-leavings that he had no eyes for anyone else. I willed his wife to look up so I could possibly recruit her to our cause…..MY GAWD WOMAN HOW CAN THAT BE OK WITH YOU??….but her nose was too busy buried in a trashy romance novel to smell our distress. We were on our own.
Until he finally decided he was done. Hurray for small favors. I felt more than slightly ill. Just….ICK.
Finally, an hour and fifteen minutes after my scheduled time, we were called back to see the doctor. Huzzah!
Nurse comes in, blood pressure is great, thanks, doctor should be in soon, yadda yadda.
And he was…yay! He came in almost right after that. Asked the regular questions, and started to measure my ever-burgeoning belly. Fine. Listened to the heartbeat….never get tired of that!!….it was faint due to her position but I heard it strong as ever. Great!
I should interject here that my doctor is awesome and he teases me for my 900 first-time mom questions, but he answers them all. He has excellent bedside manner and I have every confidence putting myself and my baby in his hands….literally and figuratively. He is a very calming sort of person. Today was no different.
Then he starts palpating around.
“Hmm” he says.
“Hmm?” I ask.
“Hang on a sec here……it seems like she might be……damn….that’s what I was afraid of….”
“Um….WHAT are you afraid of?” I’m looking at my honey and he is looking at me and we agree that these half-sentences are maddening…..
“Just….hang on a sec. Let me grab the portable ultrasound machine…..” and he dashes out of the room.
He comes back in right away and I say “Ok what? What?”
He just says “Well it looks like she is transverse but I can’t be sure…..” and turns on the machine. While he is looking, then tsking, (he has never ‘tsked’ before! oh no this is bad….), I ask him…
“So, um, if she *is* transverse, then, what would that mean?”
Finally he says “Well, it would mean you would need to have a C-section, unless…..” and he trails off again, looking at something else. “Yep” he says “that’s her head right there. She is transverse”. (think: laying straight sideways. And my first thought…I hate to say it….was…’no WONDER I’ve been so damn uncomfortable! I’m not crazy…that looks nuts in there!’)
Well, ok, I think. I can deal with that. It’s not the best thing in the world, but it’s not the worst, either. At least I will know when she’s coming! But I’d really rather *not* have a C-section.
So finally I ask, “Unless what?”
At that point he is palpating me again, and he starts to sort of….push on me. And then he is pushing harder. And then he is grunting and saying “Unless I can get her to move here…..”
And then he is pushing REALLY HARD. And I can’t believe I haven’t popped right open. Ladies and gentlemen, it did not tickle. Let me just say that. My doctor relocated my daughter in utero, and it did not tickle. No siree. He wrestled with both hands and somehow managed to flip her around so she was facing downwards. Ouchie.
Shane saw the whole thing and said it “didn’t look like much fun at all.” The man has a point.
But I have to say I sucked it up and didn’t yell or even grunt. I did, however, give a rather incredulous look to my doc when he asked “Did that hurt a bit?”
Yes, Dr. Hands, that did in fact Hurt A Bit. Then it hurt a bit more, and a bit more on top of that. And my poor baby…what the heck was it like for her in there? Imagine her there, floating along peacefully, perfectly content, when all of the sudden BIG HANDS come rock your world since apparently you’ve reached a Turning Point and somehow didn’t get the memo.
I mean come on, doc. I know she can distinguish light and dark, but expecting her to READ in there…..seems a bit much.
So, the UPSIDE of it is, my baby is now aiming DOWN where she should be. And “hopefully”, he says, she will stay that way until such time as she decides to make her debut. (If not, I was informed, he will attempt to move her again…then induce me a week before my due date. It depends on what he finds on my next visit.)
Which isn’t til the 19th. Since my doctor is going on vacation. I hear they do that sometimes. You just can’t rely on anyone anymore, can you? (My due date is the 28th)
So as I was half-writhing on the table afterwards, he helped me up and said “You should thank me. I just saved you from a very expensive and painful procedure.”
I was still a bit out of it so I said “You’re welco…..I mean THANK YOU, Doctor.” Then he told me that we were lucky, and not all babies moved that easily. A teeny tiny part of me wondered at what point he would have given up if she hadn’t been an “easy mover.” Eeesh.
So, all’s well that ends well, I suppose. We’re fine, but I gotta tell ya, I am pretty damn sore.
And I’m pretty sure my unborn daughter experienced her very first WTF?! today.
She truly is the fruit of my loins