Dorkline News
Hi, everyone!
Fine, and you?
Good, glad to hear it. I’m happy to report that not only am I much less sore, I was finally able to tear myself away from my reverie.
You see, being that there was a neighborhood-wide contest for well over 48 hours as to whose Boom Stick (anyone who gets the movie reference gets a cookie) was bigger, louder, and more impressive than all the rest, I was sadly unable to declare a winner.
It’s all so arbitrary. Does one factor in the sheer number of noise-making devices in total, or does the size of the boom factor in? Is one BIG BOOM worth five smaller booms?
How about number of sleep disturbances caused? Does chucklehead Number 1 get more points for setting off louder ear assaults til well past 2 a.m., or does chucklehead Number 2 win this round because he had more booms-per-minute that were less aurally annoying but went on til well past 4 a.m?
It’s all so confusing. After awhile I just got dizzy and had to let it go. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a draw. There is a little extra special notch on the top of my Shit List for the Supreme Award of Inconsideration to the person who set off some pyrotechnic at around 2:30 a.m. that was so loud, it actually made my unborn daughter JUMP in my womb. And no, I am not making that up. Poor thing.
Other than that, I’ve been brainstorming on the latest installment of the Mayor’s Breaking Dorkline News. This is where I sum up the past week or so in Headline form. So without further ado, thar she blows:
Creepshow: The Book of Labor and Delivery, or, Is All This Strictly Necessary?
Saving Mary’s Privates: Deciding Who Will and Who Will Not Be In the Delivery Room
Moby Duck: Waddling Reflections in the Hallway Mirror
Bohemian Whupsidy: Sometimes It’s Amazing I Can Even Stay Upright
Gangsta Wrap: How Even the Maternity Stuff Will Only Button Halfway Down
Sleeping Is the Enemy: What I Wouldn’t Give for a Full Visit to the Land of Nod
The Horse Dissperer: Explaining Again to My Boys Why I Can’t Ride Right Now
and finally, you got it…..
The Prying Game: Doctor “Big Hands” and Baby’s Moving Experience