Sometimes I really miss brushing my teeth.

I mean the actual act of brushing my teeth. What can I say? Sometimes it’s just way too early, and I’m still more than half-asleep, and I’m not fully prepared for the ultrasonic vibratory assault that is my current toothbrush. I’m reasonably certain it “attacks plaque” by both physical throttling and verbal abuse. (Seriously, Oral B…does it have to be both orally AND aurally violent?)

Newsflash: I’m not a morning person. Even more-so now that I’m a mommy whose sleep is forever interrupted so much that more than half the time I’m not clear whether I’m changing a diaper or still languishing on some sun-drenched beach with Chris Hardwick, which for some reason is inhabited by a toddler jumping up and down yelling “Mommymommymommymommycanweplaywithplay-dohnow?” because she is very literal in her interpretation of ‘playing more tomorrow.’

But I digress.

I miss brushing my teeth. It occurred to me that I find myself missing *lots* of things, now that everything is “improved” to within an inch of its life. (That’s what she said.)

Ok great, I’m getting OLD. There, I said it. But whatever. I still refuse to grow up. And I still miss simpler times.

I miss answering machines. Voicemail has become just as much of a pain to me as never talking to a human customer service person without going through 17 automated menus and trying to push 0 and being told “Sorry, that is NOT a valid option. Dumbass. For trouble with your service, press 1….”

Now if I want my messages, instead of hitting ONE BUTTON like the good ol’ days, here is what I have to do:

1) enter #123

2) enter passcode

3) enter 1 for messages

4) enter 1 AGAIN for ‘new’ messages, even though those are the ONLY messages, and by the way we here at Vonage get a huge kick out of just the mental image of your huge sigh as you push button after button after button. Whee!

I miss Looney Tunes and Hanna Barbera cartoons. They worked on so many levels and had some adult humor thrown in. They were actually entertaining. Now I have to find excuses why we should watch Sesame Street (which RULES and still has so many of the original cast, including Maria and Gordon, though balanced out by gritting my teeth through the Little Red Freak…you know who I mean) instead of, say, Ni-hao Kailan (which as far as I can tell, teaches kids to succumb to peer pressure and/or learn everything the hard way, despite repeated warnings) or Dora the Explorer (WHY IS SHE ALWAYS YELLING?! DO YOU KNOW??)

I miss the days of my happy ignorance, when I had no idea what people wouldn’t do for a million bucks, or to be the next Top Chef/Model/Bachelor/Pop Star/Pop Tart/Celebrity Spokeman for VD. Newsflash: I lived in the UK 10 years ago, when this craze was first starting over there. And it almost seemed to be by accident. I don’t recall the name of it, but the first one I saw was about a middle-aged woman who was trying to get her first driver’s license. It followed her and her husband’s exploits around town…including his “coaching,” and it was everything I love in television: heart-warming and hilarious. When she finally passed her exam, the whole country was cheering for her and it was awesome.

But we have to take a good idea and ruin it, so reality TV: American style was born. (p.s. I’m really happy *our* version of Top Gear got scrapped, because there is just no way that show would work without Jeremy, James, and Richard.) Most of you have no idea what I’m talking about but there is a cult following here in the States and if you ever get a chance, you should watch it. I’m not even a car person. Nothing on there gets me sexually excited (well..maybe Richard…rawr)..okay, nothing MECHANICAL on there gets me sexually excited, but I still love the show. Top-notch entertainment, Top Gear.

I miss getting mail that isn’t bills or invitations to yet more debt. (You’re PRE-APPROVED for bankruptcy!) I miss writing letters. Now half the time I get e-cards for my birthday and I’m almost *certain* I’ve forgotten how to write. When asked to sign a form at the doctor’s office, I actually had to stop and think last time. But that may have been partially sleep-related. Only maybe.

(It may also have been partly due to the fact that I was signing a form saying that like a gajillion other families now, we no longer have health insurance due to that pesky economy/layoff thing, and the form stated that I was acknowledging that I STILL HAD TO PAY, and that SINCE THERE WAS NO INSURANCE TO BILL, I WOULD HAVE TO PAY ON THE SPOT. For all they knew, I could be one of those LOWLIFE TYPES WHO CLAIM YOU CAN’T GET BLOOD FROM A TURNIP and may not end up further lining their velvet pockets! Nevermind that I’ve been bringing myself and my family there for 5 years now, and that the clinic contains both our physician AND the doctor who delivered both my babies, and that I’ve never been remiss in paying my bills. No worries! I may have gotten shifty! I see your point! I’ll cheerfully sign your stinking forms and tamp down the sudden eye-tic I develop when I see the giant ‘NO INSURANCE’ stamp on my file now! It’s totally cool! I’m not even mad about your COMPLETE LACK OF GRATITUDE that I continue to come to YOUR clinic, rather than another, cheaper one..because I’m loyal to your doctors here and good care is hard enough to come by as it is! Give me the stink-eye and make me a pariah! It’s alllllll good.)

Ahem. Better wrap this up before I start sounding all political-n-shit <–and believe me, it *is* shit. Allow me to sum up by saying: we all remain healthy and that’s all that matters. Truly. Oh…and we better not pick up any BACON FLU germs when we go in for their annual exams and shots this month k thx bai. Luckily they stock lots of ham sanitizer now..I can disinfect immediately after signing Form 176B-for-Bitch-slap.

One more thing…I miss the cereals of my youth. Puddin Face still doesn’t get that crap, but nostalgia had me looking recently. You seen this stuff lately? Trix aren’t even ROUND anymore, Lucky Charms have a truly alarming array of marshmallows, and I can’t even find Frankenberry. (My original favorite, Booberry, for some reason was the first to get phased out years ago.) What gives, Cereal Czars? I gotta tell ya, I settled for Honeycomb and it not only scraped off the roof of my mouth, it tasted like a whole lotta nothing. No flavor at all. You wound me, Honeycomb <–literally, too! I thought it would be pretty hard to mess you up…but mess you up they did.

I dunno. Maybe I’m just getting old. Maybe that’s why I find myself wanting to take two steps back. Maybe it bothers me more now that I’m a mommy. I worry that their little brains are getting overloaded with too much stimulation. But at least those brains are more protected now, what with the helmet laws. In my day, cracking your head open was a rite of passage. 😉

How about you, gentle readers? Anything you miss or am I the only one?

Hope you have a relaxing Labor Day if you’re from this side of the pond. If not, well, then chances are you have, like, 5 weeks longer paid holiday than we do over here, since just about every other civilized nation seems to care about overall mental health in addition to productivity, so I don’t feel too badly. 😛

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